To see a disaster as an opportunity to..

i just got back from my dean's office..i tried to negotiate w/ him so that the trip could be continued..i suggested a few options, such as delaying the program till the situation is safe, getting a new airline to the extend that i was willing to pay the fare more that i should to, and etc...but, as he said, it was the final decision that the trip, and the program were cancelled..he knew how disappointed i was, but he told me that he had to be rational in making this decision..he didn't want to take any risk..yes, i knew his reason..but, for some, this trip was just another trip...what was the big deal??? but, for me, it did matter...

a year ago:

it started about a year ago, while my friends and i were on a ski trip..i got an email from one of my deans, notifying me that i was offered to join a new program, called "Stevens Scholar Program." for this program, i was told that i would be given three options throughout my academic years as long as i could stay in this program..to keep staying in this program, i have to maintain good CGPA, attending various seminars, and so on..as a reward, i could choose either of the following options:

1) to further my study to Masters..Stevens will sponsor on this

2) to do double major..the second major will be fully sponsored by Stevens

3) to do summer research (+ study abroad program)

..well, i took sometimes, considering all these options..all pro's and con's were considered in a very thorough way..i saw this is as a gold opportunity for me..then, after discussing w/ some of my professors, and my family (esp. my mom and Mak Jai), i have decided to go for the last one..it's not the first two options were not interesting, yet i found the last one to be more beneficial..

the struggles:

so, i knew once i decided, there was no turning back..i went to various research seminars, talked to some experienced friends on this matter, discussed w/ some of professors, did some internet research, and etc, i finally convinced myself that the decision was a good one!

..so, as i said, i had put lots of efforts as to keep staying in this program...i didn't mind when people making fun of me for being such a nerd guy..well, it's not i really wanted to end up being nerdy! tell me, whose on earth don't want to enjoy their lives? tell me, whose guy like to stay in library, doing some revisions, while his friends were enjoying their lives outside?? no one right? so did i..i was being such hardworking guy, because i knew clearly the rewards of all these hardships..

..then, i tried to convince my mother that i won't go back for this summer..i can tell u that it was pretty hard to reasoning when it comes to the person, whom you love so much..i knew my mom was a bit disappointed when i told her that i had to stay in States for the whole summer..so, to make her happy, i promised to come back for this year's winter break..well, to think fiscally, it is not really worthy..but, to make my mom's happy, i don't mind to do anything..

..it's not over yet..to get all my expenses for study abroad covered by my school, i had to make sure that i was accepted for summer research program first...so, as usual, i had to write my own proposal, find my own advisor, choose my own topic, and etc...well, it seemed pretty easy at the beginning, but, as i went through the process, it's getting tougher and tougher..but, i enjoyed doing all those stuffs, because, for the same reason, i knew my rewards..i knew it was not a good thing to badmouth people, but, i was and am a bit disappointed with the treatment given by my advisor..she seemed to be not very helpful at all..out of zillions appointment i made w/ her, i just met her twice or thrice..but, i could understand how busy she was..so, as a result, i had to do by my own..well, i was very lost at the very beginning, but, alhamdulillah, now, i can see my direction..thanks to various free scholar journal, i could understand my research topic better now..

..then, two weeks after i sent my research proposal, i was told by my professor that i was being accepted for the research program..it implied that i could get almost a free trip to Norway, not for a holiday, but a short course program..it was three-week program..for the last week, i would probably get a chance to meet some entrepreneur over there..i was so excited about that..it was my dream to sit and talk w/ some business guys! but, when the date of the trip was announced, i was ambivalent: to go or not..if i chose to go, there might some problems rose:

1) i need to withdraw my participation for Midwest game..if it was only me, i did't mind..but, it involved others since my friend and i had been practicing a lot for badminton double..instead, he had postponed his back to Malaysia..this cost him hundreds of dollars more than he should..

2) i might miss my seniors' commencement day..and of course, one of persons, whom i love the most, is also graduating soon..it means that i might miss that one also..

3) i need to save my money for the trip since i have to use my money first..only when i come back from the trip, Stevens will reimburse my money..to do so, i decided not to join road trip w/ my friends..no one knows how disappointed i was when i decided not to follow my friends to Texas..it has been my dream to see "cowboy" man..lol

..but, after discussing w/ my close friend, he had convinced me to go for the trip..considering the exposure i might get, plus a chance to travel w/ Americans, i decided to go..so, it was pretty hard at the beginning..but, i was lucky to have friends, whom understood my situation..thanks my friends for being real and true friend to me..i did appreciate it..

..so, as you know, to travel abroad, there were many things i have to prepare: documentations, health insurance, and etc..Thank to God, everything was settled last week..and i already signed the waiver form so that whatever happens to me during the trip, i would be fully responsible for that..also, i had managed to get the permission from residence office to store my stuffs at a temporary place for free..my current housing will be closed for the whole summer..meanwhile, i can only enter my summer housing on May 21, a day after my flight was supposed to be..

..but, this morning, i woke up w/ a bad news..i mean, really really a bad news..i was told that the trip was cancelled due to unavoidable reasons: the high potential of volcano eruption + the possible strike by people over there..urgh, i didn't know what to do..i didn't know how to describe my feeling..only God knows!

yet..

..after having my lunch, i slept for the whole day..well, it was typical of me, to sleep whenever i felt so bad about myself..thank God, when i woke up, i felt so strong..i didn't know from where the feeling came..thus, i told myself, i won't give up on this..i know, whatever happens, it happens with reasons..and i believe Allah has better plans for me..but, to tell you that i'm not disappointed, it is a lie! i am still disappointed for all struggles i had made for this..but, i promised myself to see this as an opportunity for me to be a better person..what kind of opportunity?? i haven't seen yet..but, i do believe there is one, a good thing, waiting for me..and as of now, i will try to refocus myself on my programming project...argh, i hate programmming..haha..

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and prayer. Truly! Allah is with the patient.” (Verse 153) Surat Al-Baqarah.